Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
