i think my tv is drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize