If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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