you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize