She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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