i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
