I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
