he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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