New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
third nipple confirmed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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