i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
