i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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