She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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