It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
3pm strippers are depressing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
