Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize