If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
