you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
