i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
