my mouth tastes like poor choices
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
