my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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