No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
