peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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