Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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