i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We're too hungover to prance.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize