I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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