Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Drake has all the answers
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
