You smell like a Billy Joel song
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize