he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
