I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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