I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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