If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
