The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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