I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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