I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
