I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
false alarm, still single
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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