well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
