I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
