when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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