i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
