Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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