How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
