i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
