I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
