Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just invented taco cereal.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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