and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize