I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
