he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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