I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
