its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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