So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
