Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
