I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
