He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize