Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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