My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
