My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
