Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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